Existential dilemmas…am I alone?

When I read in Sapiens, the famed book by Prof Harari that Homo sapiens have a unique capacity to believe in contradictory beliefs I was in a way relieved and absolved myself of being out rightly stupid. I am a great specimen whose life is actually run on contradictory beliefs.  I know I am powerless but relentlessly strive to wield power over whoever I can. I know, I know absolutely nothing but never let go of an opportunity to exhibit what I know and distribute ‘Gyan’ both solicited and unsolicited. I know nothing is permanent but still feel helplessly drowned in despair by perceived unfavorable change in circumstances or outcomes of events. I know I am not God but try to become one by micro planning and micromanaging everything around me. I know expectations are the root cause of unhappiness and still I fail miserably in even controlling and managing them forget discarding them from my life. I can go on and on and give myriad examples from my life about how I seem to have a fair understanding of a concept or an issue at hand but seem to do absolutely diametrically opposite of what wisdom would warrant me to do.

Is trying to achieve balance between the contradictions in your life is what life is all about? I don’t know for sure and even if it is, it is a continuous endothermic process which saps you off your productive energy and leaves you feeling lost.

When I get tired of fighting my monsters and self-created battles I get suspicious that may be I am depressed and that’s why I am feeling this general loss of direction. When I feel that I do not really control anything and cannot really change anything including my own self or how I deal with things and people around me or feel about them, I feel a fear that asphyxiates me. I feel utterly helpless and absolutely lonely, all by myself, dreading that I am the only one, may be, who is undergoing all these dilemmas. I am convinced at that point that I will not be able to make anyone see my point of view, neither the closet of my friends nor any of my family and thus refrain from picking their brains.

Next moment I pick myself up, do a bit of self-counseling, summon all the knowledge that I have over the years incidentally gathered not acquired, again manage to convince myself that its ok not to be in control especially when I know I am not meant to be in control. I know I just need to control my mind, my thoughts, my speech and my action (Phew that’s a very very tall order for me or may be for humans in general/by and large) and the fact that I do not exactly control any of them pushes me more towards ‘being not in control’ in general and this is debilitating.

I know I just need to be honest about what I am doing and that’s it…..life will take its own course in its own time. Unfortunately I don’t understand and have not been able to assimilate and internalize this understating in to the core my being. My knowing is very superficial and it has not made even a dent on my how I conduct myself. I know that my doing something differently will not change things for anybody though it might make a little difference to my own life. I am responsible for who I am and thankfully only for what I make of myself.

I can give inputs and do whatever my conscious being, intellect, circumstances and temperament allow me to but what happens afterwards is beyond me so I should not fret and lose my sleep over it. I should only bother myself about being able to give my inputs to the best of my abilities and somehow learn to sleep peacefully after that. This attitude is detachment which is an art that one has to learn and doesn’t come easy to anyone. This attitude is what Gita says…isn’t it? Do your karma and forget about the results. I know I know…….unfortunately I still do karmas to achieve results. I don’t seem to be able to lose sight of the result and ensure that all my karmas are directed towards achieving that result. What an irony …hang on…or is it a conflict between my rational being and my spiritual being. Who do I listen to? Who is supreme? Should I allow my spiritual being to reign supreme but again how naïve can I get….do I control them or do I just watch helplessly as a bystander? I am like a stage where all these actors are enacting the drama called life according to an unknown script and headed towards an unknown ending.

I try desperately to engage productively and meaningfully with everything around me but not confuse that engagement with the source of my happiness. The fact that I am engaged productively and meaningfully should be enough for me to lead a happy( I am taking happy to mean…..to be at peace with myself, where I do not feel inadequate and helpless)  life, the outcome of my engagement should not have any bearing upon me. The fact that I am doing what I am doing with all honesty and integrity at my command and to the best of my abilities and also sometimes pushing my boundaries should get me a good nights’ sleep….I know it should but it doesn’t because that urge to be in control and thus be able to control the outcome fogs my intellect and I fall prey to misery that should be avoided. 

Vipashana taught me to be equanimous to pain and pleasure as they are impermanent, I understand but thoroughly incapable of translating that in to real life. It taught me not to crave and have aversions for pleasure and pain but I seem to be falling deeper in to that trap. Meditation is very tough. To control my unruly monkey mind is the toughest task I have tried my hand at. I have tried several times but have failed so far….I have never been able to quieten my mind and stop the chatter completely even when I am doing meditation.

I know the collectively perceived right thing to do in a given set of circumstances but if that doesn’t agree with my being then I end up doing what appeals to my conscience or intellect or a mix of both generously peppered with my biases, prejudices, frailties and foibles. Incidentally that happens most of the time for me and I do not fit in…..Am not regretting or being apologetic am stating the fact of my life. My biases, prejudices, frailties and foibles make me the person that I am and they have not been consciously acquired by me but have come to become a part of me over the years because of where I was, what I did and who I met.

Hopefully I will find a way to quieten my mind and stop the incessant chatter in it, to let my spiritual, rational, emotional and every other being work in harmony and have faith in the script written for my life and be able to feel less inadequate, less helpless and sleep well.