I thought I was infallible in terms of major health issues and would be able to tirelessly shoulder my responsibilities without ever making a nuisance of myself. Then the next thing, I had tears involuntarily rolling down my eyes and I was unsuccessfully trying to string an intelligible sentence, wanting to articulate my thoughts, sitting helplessly on my bed and could feel myself falling into an unknown abyss. I was in a world inhabited by just me for about 10-15 minutes while my family tried to reestablish contact with me. It was as if my battery had suddenly died down and all contacts were snapped without any notice. There was no way they could reestablish contact with me till there was some charging done or whatever else had gone wrong had been fixed.
The doctor in the emergency ward was telling my family that my brain was involved and it could be a tumor or a brain TB or something else. I could actually hear a deathly silence descend upon the surroundings which was cut through by an incisive and somewhat relieved voice of Rakesh after about an hour or so that it was a dead egg of a tape worm in my brain. I was diagnosed with neurocysticercosis.
There is just that much gap between life moving normally and life going awry. We all know this but only a few fortunate ones get to experience it and see it from very close quarters. I have seen it…when I thought something could be seriously wrong with me and I would not have the opportunity to enjoy my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my life……I thought everything was so beautiful. I realized in that semi-conscious state that there is absolutely nothing in this world which defines your life. Life is very precious and has many nuances, we need to know the art to be able to live it fully and enjoy the experience that the journey called life gives us. We need to appreciate everything that we have that we take for granted, we need to savour every second of our life. It’s a blessing, it’s a boon. We all are playing our parts in a big play and we need to do our parts well. We need to do justice to whatever has been assigned to us and also ensure that we enjoy doing it. Life does not give chances, it doesn’t give notice, it can take a U turn anytime it wishes so clip on it while the ride is straight.
I have a meaningful life and I want to make it more meaningful….I need to get deeply engaged with life and spread the fragrance of life around me. I need to get going and live every second that has been allotted to me in this magnum opus called life.
I have wasted a lot of worries, a lot of time and a lot of mindspace over things that I did not have any control over. I have been made a part of my childrens’ lives by having being made their mother. I have been the means through which they have come in to this beautiful world. It is my bounden duty to gently introduce them to whatever I have known or had the privilege to know, hold their hands till they become firm on their feet, be the wind under their wings till they spread their wings and learn to fly and soar. They have to live their life, live their dreams and see the world with their eyes and their senses. I have to continue to live my life to the fullest, raising them was just a part of my own life. I paused my life for a bit and now I need to pull myself up and start to run again, run at my own pace, a pace which goes well with who I am and lets me live every second that is there to life for me. I want to meet more people, see more places, travel, learn, empathise, be of use, be happy and just be. I want to see my children grow, develop, learn, evolve and most importantly enjoy every bit of life that they live.
It’s really dumb to take yourself seriously or anything else also in life too seriously. Things will happen the way they have to happen whether you strive to justify everything that happens or accept without struggle. I am not advocating inaction, I am advocating detached action and in fact that’s the only way forward, the path of least friction, least struggle and least pain.
My sons are so amazing, they effortlessly became responsible, undemanding and caring. They take turns without us having to request to live with their grand mom. They are silently doing whatever is expected of them and are eating whatever is being given to them. Not even once did they lose their composure and both showed maturity beyond their age I feel. I am impressed with their resilience and emotional strength.
This keeda helped me be more sensitively aware of what my life is all about, my children, my husband, people that they are in time of crisis, mettle that they are made of. I got a peek into people I call my friends, I saw finest and most refined human emotions which were selfless. I saw that life is really beautiful, we are all equally helpless and at the same time if we so choose we are empowered and have the strength and resilience to endure anything gracefully. I really wish this wisdom stays with me and reminds me every time I take a breath that this could be my last one so take a deep one. I think this episode happened because I needed to see the glory of life, I needed to unshackle myself, I needed to fly again, run again, dream again and live again. I needed to unburden myself, let go of unnecessary baggage and live in the present. I needed to be reminded of being firmly rooted in the present while eyes dreaming for brighter future. Every moment something new is happening, life is changing, and we tend to be indifferent, impassive. I am going to try to live every moment because one really doesn’t know which one would be the last moment.
