Dying Art of Healthy Discussion

According to Cambridge English dictionary, a discussion is an activity in which people talk about something and tell each other their ideas or opinions. Opinion in turn has been defined as a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. Opinions therefore are bound to vary from person to person, especially when they are not informed by sound knowledge or based upon universally accepted facts. Discussions tend to degenerate into arguments when people behave in a dogmatic manner and unfortunately with rising intolerance and impatience in general every discussion faces that challenge.

To be able to speak your mind is very challenging, especially when the majority of the people have a similar opinion. I do not know whether people agree with each other because they are being polite or they really have an independent opinion on the matter. I find myself most of the time on the side of the minority on most of the issues, a minority that has made a virtue out of silence, out of non-confrontation and avoiding potential disharmony. These are the times when I realise that the majority does not have to be patently aggressive to articulate their view point, they just have to be numerically superior. Most tend to get intimidated by the force of collective opinion and start to find faults with their own judgment thus further depleting the numbers who hold a different view than the majority. Then there are those who have their own axe to grind and thus consider it wise and advisable not to share their viewpoint. They hide behind the lame logic of "nothing would have changed even if we had spoken our mind". The point i am trying to make is that it is extremely difficult to be able to articulate your viewpoint if it happens to be different from what most of the people in a given set of circumstances hold.

I have found the same kind of lunatic intensity with both liberals and not so liberals when it comes to guarding what they believe is correct, both sides exhibit the same intolerance and condescending attitude towards their ideological opponents. One comes across very few instances where people are really open minded and hear the other person out fully and patiently and try to understand their perspective.
Most people are different in their behavior with different people, which is not so unnatural and surprising. The surprising bit is the expectation of uniform opinion out of these varied interactions being played out in absolutely different and unrelated paradigms. At the most, similar opinion about a particular person, object or instance necessarily implies similarity of interest of both people holding opinions and about which the opinion is held in case it happens to be a human being or an instance. We mistake this similarity of opinion as an evidence of the absolute truthfulness of our own belief because it is being validated by others. We completely forget to notice who these others are, they are people who have almost similar backgrounds and similar interests and will in all probability therefore have views like ours.

It is very rare to have a wholesome discussion where all participants treat each other with equal respect not necessarily approving of each others' viewpoints and opinions, but have enough maturity to understand and grant without grudging each other equal space to articulate their view points. One person's right could be the next person's wrong and vice versa, and therefore it is imperative that we might disagree with each other but can't under no circumstance grudge each other's right that too an equal one to speak their mind. One has to guard against crushing other's opinions howsoever insignificant one might think they are, under the weight of one's education, accomplishment, stature or success. Without realising one tends to acquire a patronising tone when one puts oneself higher up in the intellectual hierarchy in a given gathering and most actually do get intimidated or unsure about themselves and their opinions.

I have seen very few discussions which proceed on pure logic and strength of argument, whether in a living room, conferences or TV studios. People on the basis of who they are and more importantly, who they are perceived as in popular imagination tend to have an upper hand and the last word without the strength of logic and arguments being on their sides necessarily.

Allow ourselves to be  Humans First and Foremost

I was dog tired…so exhausted that i couldn’t be aware of my surroundings. I had just slid myself in to the comfort of my quilt and was helplessly but slowly falling asleep when i wanted to know where i was. It was a lot of effort to open my eyes and to have a look around. I couldn’t even recall what was i wearing at that point in time and why was i feeling so exhausted. The reason for my fatigue intrigued me and a sudden feeling of stress descended upon me about not having any recollection of what had happened. With great amount of difficulty i finally managed to open my eyes, just long enough to enable me to quickly have a look at my attire and to glance around. Everything rushed back to me with the ferocity of gushing water after air locking is cleared. I had been out through the day to buy everyday use household goods so that the new house could be made functional before my mother in law arrived with her entourage. After a long and a hard period of persuasion we had finally taken up a new apartment, to house my ailing mother in law and her staff. All these years, we made do with our smallish three bedroom apartment and kicked the kids around whenever required, in the name of adjustments and understanding for the family with the bonus of making them compassionate and empathetic human beings in the process (the bizarre thought that at least kept me going). Lofty ideals and the spirit to ensure that we don’t become selfish or leave bad examples for kids made us cramp our lives periodically for as long as i can remember. The culture of selflessness and sacrifice that is so pretentiously still followed  in some fossilized families in our society teaches us that our responsibilities come first even before our own beings . Life didn’t offer or even allow me any real choices so i too had to be a part of the game though very unwillingly and grudgingly, as a result of which there was no physical space left in my life for the best months of the year in Delhi, year after year after year.

Marriage, family, society though important for me are not the only source of my sustenance.  I want to be a part of them and live for them but cannot make them my life. I can only do so much and beyond a point want my space physical, mental and emotional.

I am an inveterate lawyer and believe in constitutional freedoms and privileges even in my personal life. For me fundamental rights and fundamental duties go hand in hand. For me transparency, due process, natural inalienable rights, rule of law, equality etc. have the same place in my personal life as they have in a constitutional democracy. Indian families the ones that i have had the chance to see from close quarters are an antithesis to these models.

Most of our families are happy and thriving because one person has put her life on hold, pushed the pause button or allowed herself only stunted growth so that opportunities can be created and provided to everyone else in the family. Mother is elevated to the status of goddess much to my chagrin and then milked all her life. I am a 'human being" mother and would never want to be revered as a goddess or semi goddess. The irony of the situation is that we all women and  mothers… ok not all… most of us feel that since we are mothers and give birth to children we are the natural best care takers. We can cook, clean and do laundry the best, at least better than our husbands, who for reason unknowable to me are attributed better intellectual prowess in most of the cases without them having to do anything to prove that.

For a woman, marriage changes everything and the best part is that it not only happens in India but everywhere on the planet (may be barring some matriarchal societies and some extremely truly enlightened minority perhaps) and it is assumed that her in laws are now her new family and sacred responsibility.  Man becomes relatively free after marriage since now he has a free care taker who would not only take care of him and his house but also his cranky and invariably ungrateful family. The only thing he is expected to do is to go out of the house and either make money or pretend to make money leaving the woman to do the household drudgery. Even if a woman decides to step out and let her intellect and brain be put to some good use, she is still expected to be the primary care taker at home. The woman herself feels guilt pangs if she does not discharge her caretaker role with utmost sincerity and dedication.

Well that’s not the case anymore in some really tiny fraction of our society and i too belong to that but even there people feel triumphant about having created just and fair conditions for their women and expect them to be appreciative, if not grateful.
I want my space under the sun unapologetically without feeling grateful to anyone except may be to the almighty if there is one, like any man does.

Someone has to challenge these unfair age old rusted customs and if they have to continue i need an amendment in them. I would be happy to cater to my in laws if my husband feels equally morally as well as socially and financially responsible for his in laws. I would be happily doing whatever it takes if i know that i would get the same without having to ask for it or assert myself or feel obliged or lucky if it is done. I want the same to be done as a matter of right and i don’t want my parents to feel obliged at all like my in laws do not feel and as a matter of fact be able to demand everything that they need and want like my in laws do.
I want to rid my in laws of their sense of entitlement for care and looking after and also my parent’s sense of gratitude if i and my husband extend the same services to them. I want my parents also to feel secure that their daughter will look after them as much as their son would have.
I want my parents to expect the same from me that is expected of me vis a vis my in laws or they would have expected if i were a son.