Have been meaning to pen down my thoughts about my parenting style....

I know given your intrinsic nature both of you would consider this a futile exercise but I would still go ahead...

I know you guys would think that I am a rogue parent who made you do all sorts of things, some of which you didn't like at all and some of which you didn't want to do the way I made you do and some of which you would not have done as much as you ended up doing.

I am sure you have already seen the worst in me in every which way while I was bringing you guys up. Let me confide....I found motherhood the toughest thing I have done in my life not that I have done much.

Being a parent is being afraid and unsure all the time as you are or atleast I was on tenterhooks all the time wondering whether what I am doing is right for you guys or not or whether what I am doing is enough or not. I felt so underconfident at times about my methodologies, knowledge, intellect, efforts and the affect my short temperament or ambitious nature would have on your personalities. I used to assure myself that God must have chosen me your mother keeping something in mind. If you guys deserved more or better, you would have been born to someone else. I know that is warped logic but I am a human being with regular failings and may be more than regular failings. For this toughest role in my life I didn't have to take any entrance exam, no one ascertained whether I was capable or not or whether I had all it takes to be a parent. That's how it happens all the time but I thought it's my duty to tell you guys that it is a task of humongous importance and can't be taken lightly. My personality changed being a mother. You get to peep deep inside yourself while raising your child. I know myself so much better now than I knew when I did not have kids.

When I reflect I realise a lot of things could have been done differently and may be the results could also have been different. You guys are fine boys so I feel after all whatever I did wasn't so bad at all. I was what I was and was operating within my limitations, with my strengths and weaknesses. I evolved/ de-evolved ..while you were growing up....

The most important thing I have learnt living my life thus far is that in retrospect you should not criticise your well thought out actions/ decisions. There should not be regrets but definitely there should be lessons. I did whatever I could or was capable of or had capacity for or thought what was right according to my understanding. I am not justifying anything. I am just putting everything on the table... communication for me is the life blood of social beings. I don't like to leave anything to speculation between people you really love and care for.

Well, I am an old school of thought creature. I was somehow convinced and am still absolutely convinced that it's my duty since I gave birth to both of you, to ensure that you are exposed to everything that I know of or can know of. It's my duty to make you guys competent enough so that you can navigate through life successfully whichever way you deem fit. I want you guys to be able to live life fully and explore yourselves completely. I wanted you guys to have all tools to be able to deal with the surprises, curve balls and challenges of life. I wanted you guys to be able to see everything from all humanly possible perspectives and whatever resources I had at my command; intellectually, monetarily, socially and emotionally, I deployed all with utmost sincerity.

I did what I thought was the best and I believed that since I am a mother or a parent it is my natural right to try and bring you up my kids whatever way I deem is the best.

My endeavour all these years was to make you guys independent thinking individuals, didn't want you guys to be our replicas. I wanted you guys to pick up the best from us and discard what held us back. I wanted you guys to be able to explore whatever there is to explore and figure out for yourselves whatever work for you guys.

When I say something i am not trying to intrude in to your lives, I am just concerned that you guys are doing well and on the right path. My intent is to make you guys understand and believe that I love you both unconditionally though it might not look like that. I would always be there when you need me and want me...that's my promise. I will never stand in the way of you guys and your dreams and happiness and I mean this. But I reserve the right to express my independent opinion forever ....well you will have to live with it whether you respect/accept what I think or not and that is irrelevant in any case. I will always respect the fact that both you guys (once you are grown, my first born already is and the younger one is just a couple of years away) own your lives completely, I don't lay any claim on it at all....it will stay like this till I live..

There is absolutely nothing that parents want in return except to see their kids grow in to responsible, sensitive human beings who can empathise with other sentient beings and live happy, healthy and joyous lives.

I do not want to have an obligatory relationship with you guys or for that matter anyone in my life ever.

I wish we have been able to do enough right stuff so that you see merit is ensuring that we are always a part of your life in the real sense of the word.

Your wingspans would increase further and will take you higher and farther but I hope you always remember where you belong and who you are not because I want you to live in the past but because it is only through nutrients received from roots that your wings would become stronger.

I don't want you guys to share with me anything if you don't want, visit us if you don't want. Do things that you want Dil Se always..
For me sincerity, honesty and transparency in my life are important whether in actions or speech or relationships. Well when I am using these words obviously I don't mean everything in absolute terms. These qualities should be in a measure that is humanly possible for an individual given who he or she is.

I hope both of you live well, love each other and be brothers till life lasts DIL SE

I hope we stay relevant in your lives till we live DIL SE.